It was a typically inspired political move. You know the one, like the one that elects most leaders; three people are fighting over a job and the two most popular fight to the death of them both leaving the one no-one wanted.
I have a complete conflict of disinterest in the London Mayor – all my life I have avoided the smelly place and I do not even live now in England: the only reason I got the job of writing this was that I’d gone to liberate a bottle of Chablis from The Editor’s secret stash and became enmeshed.
“You’re a bloody Boris supporter you are,” the taunt was to Charlie aimed at James. I swear I had only got the door open a crack.
Two reporters of diametrically opposed political dogma stood at challege: I tried to extricate myself but it was too late.
“I just said that Ken’s manifesto is all about trashing the other candidates and telling everybody how wonderful he is. He only mentions what he would do in passing.” Charlie looked at me. I rejected support. “Apart from refusing to do anything that Boris suggests.”
“Well it is a change from Brown, Darling and Cameron I suppose,” I said diplomatically. "Anyway once he is in power he will probably steal whosever ideas he wants."
“Too many words bury the truth.” It sounded like Marx to me: I promised myself that when I was dying of boredom one day I would look him up.
“Sod that he went to Eton.” I looked at them both. (I know where Eton is of course it’s a little village down the road from London I google-earthed it);
I could not see what it had to do with the Boris. Then I remembered the school. It was an odd argument to use.
“He’s been educated,” one of them said by way of an answer. I nodded - the politics of envy.
“So was I, and I read,” I told him. He was not impressed.
“Then you can bloody well write too: write this,” and first one then the other antagonist flung their notes at me leaving me to free the Chablis.
It was my own fault I had suggested that we do a article n the London Mayor – but only because as a foreigner I expected someone else to have to do the work.
I leafed through the papers. The only bits I needed were to do with the environment.
It wasn’t long before I was interrupted. In good political fashion Charlie put his head around the door to brief-me-off-the-record.
“He went to Eton you know.” I wanted to pretend how it is only a little village. “Where did you got to school?” He asked.
“A west country comprehensive.” (Where they drew crosses on your chest with stones and the suicide rate made your heart tumble: a sink school pretending to be something else.) My heart went out to the Londoners. “His school is only relevant in as far as the education he has in his head. I would have loved Eton.”
I glanced at the pictures of the four main candidates. Ken looked like our old school caretaker except for the Hitler moustache - I drew one on the photo – spitting image.

Boris looked like our maths teacher who we named ‘Pinky’- pink and pig-like who knew everything and nothing, Brian like our old games master whom the girls had a crush on but who was secretly looking elsewhere and Sian – I struggled to place her at all.
Why is it that some people just cannot accept privilege? I thanked Charlie kindly and told him to ‘go away’. The fact was that those poor kids in inner London Comps would do well at Eton. I know Education and the environment is indivisible but I was writing about the environment and the impact of the mayors. Their education was unimportant: London would be better off with a barrow-boy who could get things done.
The door opened again.
“You know he’s a Marxist Stalinist,” said Charlie just as I shut the door on his face.
“Don’t care.” I only wanted to know what they could and possibly could do for the environment.
I first looked at the various candidates and dismissed all but the first two as no-hopers – then realised it was qualified majority voting and Sian from the greens was likely to pact with Ken: the effect was mathematical – my comprehensive hadn’t trained me for this so I ignored the effect. In truth I thought it unethical to manipulate the result in this way. I settled back to my reading and was surprised how little both the main characters were saying about the environment. The devil is in the detail it is said - all I could see were vague ideas and few promises. I could see that when the crunch came people would likely think of that other crunch - that of credit – and start think about which one would be good for them whatever the ‘green effect’. Taking this into account I could see that although Ken had promised marginally more ‘green’ there were problems with his delivery at least as far as the voters may be concerned. For a start it is unlikely from the polls at this time that the Labour government will remain – in that case it is doubtful if any conservative government will give him aid. More importantly Ken has promised to make London the greenest city in the world. But to pay for all the greenness a tax would have to be levied against Londoners and that would not be fair: if it came from central government that would also be unfair. I seriously doubt that Madrid, Paris or Rome will follow any lead given by London; our dear European partners being in civil law countries have an easier time falsifying the records. In the eighties Ken supported unilateral nuclear disarmament which fortunately did not take place. Knowing even our close neighbours as well as I do I do not think they will, in this time of impending recession, pay his tune. He may be able to pave London green but not affect the world.
Ah, if Boris had only given more detail into his ‘green’ agenda I would have had a better idea: I am just suspicious that if politicians are not held down with a clean manifesto promise they feel they have the mandate when elected to do as they like.
And at the end my thought was that London is a city, it is going to be very expensive to make it as green as the country and if that is what is wanted why not move people into the country?
The electioneering has been like a circus, the players are Jokers and I suspect Londoners are choosing by elimination.

Good luck to all of them!